Poseidon

Having a crappy day or even a crappy week? Watch a movie where stuff gets blown up and people have to run, jump, crawl, climb, swim, dive or kill an innocent nice guy in order to survive. Watch Poseidon. This works. I'm not kidding. This isn't even tongue in cheek. Nope, I came out of the theater with a big grin on my face. It was an epiphany. I went in expecting nothing. Okay, perhaps some notes on what to avoid when writing a script. Came out a surprised and happy camper. Go figure. [Disclaimer of sorts: Have not seen The Poseidon Adventure. So I'm totally unbiased. Yeah.]

There are a lot of people who will give me strange looks when they hear me talk excitedly about Poseidon (despite it being sexist. Mea culpa).
But the character development sucks!
Didn't matter. What's there was enough for me and I even missed the first couple of minutes.
But it's all about blowing up stuff - and that's all it is!
And, man, it's beautiful.
I'll wait for the DVD.
Well, if you got a movie-theater-size screen at home, go for it. If not, you're cheating yourself out of the experience.

First, the bad: Poseidon movie stills. I've seen stills in three different mags - lackluster, boring, godawfully bad. Especially the one where the cast stands looking at something. ET in the closet among other toys? Backdraft-y-Kurt Russell with the fire-extinguisher, Josh Lucas next to him doing - hey, what exactly? That's the trouble with all the Poseidon action stills - the source of danger isn't in the pictures. Yeah, weird, ain't it? Lucas holds Dreyfuss' hand - no Rodriguez, no view of how deep they would fall. The film looks fantastic. The stills look blah. And they sport oddly washed-out colors to boot.

[Why exactly was there one of Fergie (without Braugher, WTF) with the orchestra? And why was that the best picture in terms of color and composition (she doesn't have any limbs cut off, you see.)? I was glad when the water came and one could be sure not to have to see her (or her boobs or that horrible red dress) or hear her again, thankyouverymuch.]

Then, the other bad: women characters.
Jacinda Barrett - mother and love-interest for five seconds or so.
Emmy Rossum - daughter (of Russell's char) and fiancèe (of Mike Vogel's char)
Mia Maestro - stowaway, Catholic, designated scaredy cat

Put them in a Victorian novel and they wouldn't stick out. Perhaps they all did astonishing and awesome and 21st century things in the beginning that I missed. Let me know. But they didn't get to do or say much during what I saw. Look scared, act scared, act motherly. Look good while swimming. Doubt the men's courage/decisions but only for half a sec. Let them save you.

Here's a thought: Why couldn't Emmy's char be in the swim team and thus perform the task Mike Vogel's char did? (Hire Jessica Alba, if weak-looking Emmy can't do it.) Would be nice if their roles would reflect reality more, if they could play more active parts in groups like this one. Say, they could've managed to free Vogel's character. BTW: That bit, where he comes to and then realizes he's stuck and looks as if he's in pain - that flew by under the radar of the Bad Acting Police, didn't it? Hint: I can be half unconscious and still feel pain. It doesn't suddently occur to me - oops! - now that I'm fully conscious I realize that I'm in pain? Or did he only make a pained face but wasn't in real pain, only scared b/c stuck? Later he seemed to be fine. ?

Okay, so what was it I dug so much?

Of course I'm no expert on films where lots of stuff blows up. Perhaps some of those experts have seen this or that already. For me, OTOH, Poseidon was exciting on that level. I felt like I got to see where every single one of those 160 million bucks went. Awesome spectacle and the score (thanks to theater for revving that up, too) worked well with it.

The tempo. When the other ship went down, you know, the Titanic, I wanted to cut some stuff out (especially the interruption with old Rose, call me shallow). Titanic seemed to want to show us things in real time, like long tiring walks through water. Drama or not, it still was slow going at times - even for me. Poseidon nailed the action pace. For example, the kid isn't caught in this cage-thing for 10 minutes while they search around for tools to cut it open and then try and try to cut it open and then, oops, the water is so high, can we make it out? No. They milk this scene for the emotional drama - my God, will he die? Josh Lucas says he can't find a way in. Nice moment of mother and son interaction. For a moment I'm wondering if they kill the kid? This would be a first. And then - tada - Hero Josh has the kid. Even though - I totally hated, hated, hated the kid. Glad this scene was as short as it was.

They know that we know the whole group isn't gonna die all at once early on, so they keep those moments where the whole group is afraid of what's behind the next door, will it kill them, very brief. Quick action is followed by what-we-gonna-do-now moments or something to catch breath, and on we go.

The stunts. Wow, looked awesome. And again - they're not so in love with their own work that they draw these out like look here, aren't we great? No. They show their stuff and on to the next step. Kewl.

Shocks. There were some nods to horror. Some tongue-in-cheek-like (the two corpses lifted up by Russell, I think) others came over as unexpected side-notes. Time and time again I caught myself thinking: why wasn't this in Titanic? We should've seen this in Titanic! It should've been in there as well. Weird.

Character shocks. Get rid of him or you both will die. Say what??? Wait a minute, so Josh isn't the good guy? And what's Dreyfuss doing there, just minutes after he wanted to kill himself? Man! That gave me something to chew on. I later had to admit that if I'd been the leader, both Dreyfuss and Rodriguez would be dead. Still, it took a long time for me to digest that. Once in a while a hero has to make a shocking choice. One that makes you doubt him. It worked. I'm not sure it worked for Dreyfuss' char that well. He got over it a tad too quickly. But then he was busy trying to save his own ass. So.

Josh Lucas. My. God. When he was around the casino area and in flirting mode, took the champagne flutes - I thought hey, looky here. Bond, James Bond.Why was it they had to settle for that other guy whose face will have to grow on us and who doesn't exactly have a bod to die for, either? Never mind. Realization: Josh Lucas, IT-Boy.

Dreyfuss in a role where I didn't hate him (as in: not arrogant guy hitting on nice lady or just egomaniac). I don't know what it is. Must be something like Anthony Perkins Syndrome (Psycho, duh) or the Robert Duvall Effect (The Handmaid's Tale). Dunno what film did Dreyfuss in for me.

Andrè Braugher. Too bad he was the capt'n and had to stay with (coughcough) Fergie and the rest. I would have loved to see him in the team. Did I miss him sing in the beginning? He has such a nice voice!

Kurt Russell for some reason recalled Backdraft for me. This was kinda cool, too. Too bad that now, at the other side of 50, he finds himself (read: his characters) on the can-be-sacrificed list. Shucks.

Conner, the kid. Sorry, but I would have preferred to let him die in the cage. This was a ridiculous character from the get go just there to annoy me. I don't buy that in circumstances just as these kids would act out their curiosity and wander about. No. They would be even more annoying clinging to their mothers' ball gowns every single second on the way out and cry and be scared shitless. Endanger their mothers by not letting go.

Who's gonna die? Kids do not die. That's a law. People over 50 die. Gladly. That's another law. Seems that usually they volunteer to give their lives for their kids/the greater good/society. Aweeee. Under water, in space, doesn't matter. By now that makes chars over 50 seem "disposable". We can do without them. They're missed the least, lived their lives... What have they got to live for? Depends and bingo? (that's sarcasm, BTW) I say: if the kid's gonna live, let grandpa live, damnit.

Killing off the jerk. Now, it's awfully tempting to kill off the jerk/slime ball/most hated character in a fashion that borders on gratuitous. Well, in a fashion that is a payback. Little aside: I saw Kindergarten Cop I think in a US-Army theater. People applauded when Schwarzenegger beat up, quite brutally to a pulp - who was it, the evil lady principal or something? - they applauded! I was stunned. Might say more about GI's than the film, but still that scene could've been handled differently. In Poseidon we have such a probably (I wouldn't know, see above) clichéd thing. Let the jerk die doing something heroic, how about it? I don't like to feel good when a char gets killed.

As I said, it was fireworks, a visual feast, and it was exciting. I was on the edge of my seat, stunned and generally in awe. I cared about the characters. Perhaps I'm easy - give me a couple of really hot guys (yeah, counting in Russell, he's still got it, bite me), and I'm rooting for them. Lucas as the Bad Boy with definite leadership skills and Russell as a more sensitive mature guy and both seem to be available. Sounds good.

Here's another thought: Perhaps if the filmmakers had put in some interesting women, this flick would've worked better for guys, too. A mother, a Catholic scaredy cat and a little chick princess who only has eyes for her beau - dunno - is any of that considered sexy in Testosteronia? Are they supposed to happily fill the role as protector and savior and then, oops, they're still not getting any? Yep, they forgot to develop the romance, just a tiny bit, even our engaged couple only got a moment so other, more important things could happen. Could Dreyfuss get any in Gaylandia? You tell me. Braugher in Dreyfuss' role - ooooh.

So - popcorn flick, guilty pleasure, whatever. It works on that level and sometimes that's just what the doctor ordered. (Worked better than the physical therapy I had to endure all week that made things worse.)